Shambolic Beauty – Empties

I first stumbled upon the concept of ’empties’ on YouTube. I thought it was silly: why would people discuss their empty bottles and stuff? Then I realised it’s kind of brilliant: if someone used all of the product they bought, they can really tell if they liked it. (If you compare it to ‘Favourites’ where the products can be very new to the user.)

So here we go.

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Nivea Shower Gel – I got this for Christmas aaages ago. Not a favourite. Smells ok but a bit too artificial. Won’t be buying. (I’ve understood Nivea Beiersdorf is not cruelty-free even though they claim to not test on animals. I think they might use ingredients that are tested on animals.)

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Neutrogena Face Wash & Moisturizer – I just grabbed these one time from the Pharmacy because I was fed up with my acne. I admit I have gone back to these products a few times because I like the smell of fresh pink grapefruit. (I don’t really believe they’ve made much difference on the acne part though.) I won’t be buying Neutrogena (Johnson & Johnson) anymore because I can’t say they’re not testing on animals. My goal is also to use more sustainable and natural products.

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Yotuel toothpaste & GUM tooth picks – I’ve been using Yotuel’s toothpastes for over a decade I think. It was my late Grandfather that recommended it. The consistency is way better than what you usually get from toothpastes. It doesn’t foam excessively.

I have conflicting feelings on the tooth picks. Now I kind of hate flossing so I figured this is a great alternative. Plus they have Fluoride in them which is awesome. But I hate the fact that they’re not exactly sustainable because they’re dispensable.

DSC_0027Benefit 2 Primers & Under-eye Brightening – I actually won a competition on Twitter and got little samples of Benefit stuff! (We don’t have Benefit in Finland.) These are really small as you can see from the next pic.

I legit had to google how to use primers. I had no idea. I’m such a beauty guru. The Pore Fessional felt sort of silicon-like? I wasn’t a huge fan but it was nice in the end.

“That Gal” primer smelled a bit too artificial and sweet at first but it grew on me and I ended up quite liking it. It left a nice feeling on the skin and it’s something I could use more of.

I’d never used anything under my eyes before Ooh La Lift and it really did make a difference! I really liked it. Super easy. I definitely could keep using this.

But I’m not sure about Benefit. People usually think the company’s cruelty-free and they do strive to be. But the reason why they’re not considered cruelty-free is that they sell in countries like China which reguires animal testing.

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This is how small these were.

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Nivea Eye-Make-Up Remover – An ok product; gets the job done. But looking for a more sustainable and natural alternative.

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LUSH Tea Tree Water Toner – Very happy with this! I’m not sure how much this has helped my acne which has gotten a bit better but I’m sure it has had an effect. Vegan and alcohol-free. Looove. ♥

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Rimmel Hide the Blemish Concealer – This was one of the first concealers I’ve ever used and kind of just got stuck with it. Soft Honey blends nicely on my skin and I just haven’t looked for any other concealer. Laziness oh yeah. And I have two more of these in my cabinet. But I’m gonna look for more natural and cruelty-free option for this too. I’m also interested in trying a more liquid concealer.

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Anxiety in my Mind – Disappointment

Previous Anxiety in my Mind post: Panic Attack & New Job (All Anxiety in my Mind posts here.)

I had a whole other ‘Anxiety in my Mind’ post planned but life happens.

Today I did not go to work. 

I had a panic attack in the morning. The cause was a combination of a lot of things (as it usually is):

1) I didn’t have my car. I walk to work or go by bike so I don’t really need my car. It’s a safety blanket. I don’t feel as stuck in my smaller than small 26,5m2 apartment when I have a vehicle that can take me somewhere else (usually to my parents’). 

2) My Dad had a Doctor’s appointment. I feel embarrassed and shamed writing about this. In recent years I’ve coped very well when my parents have had plans. (Which means they can’t come and “help” me. I don’t usually if ever need their help but my anxiety wants them to be a safety blanket as well. I’ve worked (and still work) hard to change this.) But now I didn’t have my own car and my Mom didn’t have a car so she couldn’t come and pick me up. I felt stuck. 

3) I was already sick with a stomach bug or something. I realised this later in the day. For a few days my stomach hadn’t felt right. Yesterday evening I felt quite sick and I felt like throwing up. This morning I thought that the nausea and everything else were only because of the panic attack and I felt like a loser when I called in sick for work.

 

At first I was too ashamed to write about this but here goes: Dad ended up borrowing a neighbour’s car so Mom could use their car to come pick me up.

This brings me to the topic of this post: disappointment. Every person dealing with anxiety and panic attacks (and various other disorders) know the feeling: you feel like a failure, a bad person, you wonder if various people are now mad at you. 

These are all irrational thoughts. At the same time as I cried to my Mom on the phone and told her that I feel like a bad person, I knew that I wasn’t. But the feelings were so overwhelming, I had to look for outside reassurance. 

When I said  I felt like a bad person for not being able to go to work, my  Dad said that I shouldn’t feel like that: “You don’t go to work when you’re sick. And your co-workers have taken way more sickdays than you. Don’t be too hard on yourself.”

Which is all true. But here’s the thing we with mental health problems struggle with. I felt so bad because I’ve had panic attacks in the morning before and still managed to go to work. So why was this day different? It was “just” a panic attack. I should’ve been able to go to work like before, right?

But these things happen. Some days are easier and some harder. And even if you have a harder time, it doesn’t mean that you’ve stopped recovering. “Three steps forward and one step back” but you’re still making progress. I’m writings this down because I need to remind myself of this time to time. 

These feelings of disappointment, shame, embarrassment and regret used to bother me for days (even weeks or months, in some cases years) after events like this happened. Now I’ve learned to be more forgiving and gentle towards myself. I’ve got work to do still but I’m heading into the right direction.

My words for you who are dealing with this kind of stuff: it’s not the end of the world, try not to dwell on these feelings (I know it’s hard!). Also what I’ve found out is that talking about and sharing these experiences and feelings really help.

Talking about disappointment kills it.