Anxiety in my Mind – Taking my Dad to the Hospital

Previous Anxiety in my Mind posts.

I’ve had a really exhausting week. Panic attacks, anxiety, worry. I had multiple blog posts floating in my mind about it but now when the week is over and I’m actually sitting here in front of my computer: nothing. I’ve got nothing. I think my mind is just numb about it all. Or there’s too much of it. Too many feelings, too many thoughts, just too much.

Exactly a week ago we (me and my Mom) took my Dad to the hospital.

Cue a major panic attack.

DSC_0026In a nutshell: my Dad had a blood clot in his lung, something he had a year ago too. As serious as blood clots can be, my Dad’s were found early and he hardly had any symptoms. He was just a bit out of breath. We all knew he was going to be fine.

That didn’t help my anxiety one little bit.

Now my Dad have had previous visits to the hospital  but this was the first time I was there when he had to go. I got an immediate panic attack when I realised he would have to go to the hospital. It was horrible. I was trying to be brave for my Dad but at the same time I was pacing around rubbing my hands together (what I do when I panic).

Dad actually cried a bit because he was feeling so bad about my panic. Boy did that make me feel awful. Here I was having a panic attack which although feels like hell, isn’t dangerous. And my Dad who needed hospital care was worried about me.

I took extra anxiety medication (beta blockers and a tranquiliser) and listened to Excel at Life’s panic assistance audios.

And just breathed.

I was pretty calm the whole drive to the hospital. And even though I was very anxious the whole evening, I didn’t have another panic attack.

I wasn’t able to go to work for two days.

I didn’t have proper panic attacks and I was able to reduce my extra anxiety medication. But I was anxious and tense. Every moment was like waiting for another panic attack. And wondering when Dad would come home. And feeling quilt for being absent from work. Tough days.

But as it’s always with anxiety, I adapted. I felt better every day (anxiety wise) and was able to go to work on Wednesday (it was Sunday evening when Dad was admitted) with a little, okay a lot of, help from my Mom. She came to stay at my place when I went to work. It helped when she was near.

On Wednesday afternoon I got a text from Dad saying we could come pick him up later on the day. I was so relieved.

Anxiety didn’t stop there however.

I lived in immense tension for three days and it took its toll on my body:

Firstly on the way home from the hospital I got car sick. I never get car sick. I felt like throwing up.

Secondly I got fears. I was anxious to go to work. I feared that Dad was going to end up in a hospital again. I was afraid that I was going to end up in a hospital. Irrational fears, anxiety’s best friends.

I also slept. A lot. During the weekend. But I’ve been feeling better every day.

Even if you feel terrible, it will pass.

I don’t know what the point of this post is or even if it needs a point. I just needed to let this out. I actually feel better now. Yay!

Thank you for reading. ♥

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