Panic attack and Fullmetal Alchemist

Anxiety and fangirling. Ain’t that my life though.

I had a proper full blown panic attack yesterday. Haven’t had such an intense attack in a while. Even though it felt like hell I’m actually quite happy for having one can you believe it?

I’ve been feeling generalized anxiety a lot lately. And now after an attack I feel like I let the anxiety out of my system all at once if that makes any sense? At least for the time being I’m feeling better. Now trying to enjoy it. xD

Now to the fun stuff!

Fullmetal Alchemist live action trailer omg Pure fangirling from this point onwards.

I was super scared at first about the whole live action thing. The teasers looked cool though and got me excited.


I loved everything about this. forever sobbing

Okay let me try and fail to pull myself together.

The scenery is gorgeous. Stunning. Ed is super cute. Alphonse looks amazing. The feeeeeels about their mom sob. Brother feeeeeels. Loved the music btw too.

Winry’s not blonde. I kinda like it surprisingly. Her shouting at Ed and Hughes smiling behind them asghjklljö.

Then my ultimate faves and otp4lyfe ROY MUSTANG and RIZA HAWKEYE. *insert a lot of happy cursing* I was most anxious (and scared) too see them. They looked great omg. Roy’s badass “Hagane no” omg and the FLAMES holy fudge.

Hughes is just all about the feeeels omg fandom will not be okay. THE EFFING PICTURE ON THE GROUND OMG COULD YOU NOT.

The homunculi looked so creepy I loved it. Especially Lust and Gluttony.

I’m off now to fangirl and to think about how the heck I’m going to see this movie in Finland. >__>

Wish you have a great day!

♥ Satu


Anxiety in my Mind – Silly panic attack

I’m writing this on my iPad because I’m at my parents’ and of course I don’t have my keyboard with me. So let’s see how long my patience lasts when I can’t type properly.

Let’s do this.

I had the silliest panic attack today. Well it didn’t feel silly while I was experiencing it but it was definitely one of those attacks that when they’re over makes you look back and think why on earth was I panicking over THIS?!

Rewind to earlier today when I was about to leave to go visit my parents. I was also meant to go to the gym with my Grandma. 

I was putting on my makeup when I suddenly discovered that the side of my nose was swollen. 

Cue a panic attack.

Yes. Really. I started panicking over a slightly swollen nose. 

Because I had no idea how I got it. 

What is happening? Is my face going to start to swell too? What if I won’t be able to breathe? I don’t want to end up in hospital. 

I didn’t go to the gym. I stayed at home. (Until the evening when I was feeling better and came over at my parents’ place.)

And while I was also aware that I was “just” panicking and these were anxiety thoughts, I needed outside confirmation that I didn’t need to be hospitalized. I was on the phone with my Dad for an hour. And I also took beta blockers. 

I’ve been doing very well recently so now I’m trying not to be too discouraged over this. I tend to mope over things too much.

I need to just view this as a day that anxiety got a bit of a hold over me but shit happens and I move forward. 


PS The swelling started to go away slowly during the day. Most likely it was an internal pimple or an allergic reaction or something. Or I’d accidentally punched myself.

Miss Epic Fail

I’m going to see how writing a blog post on my phone works. I just keep wanting to write but always find some excuse not to go sit by the computer. Even though I’m always on my computer? No excuses now!

(Btw am I able to strike out text when I use the phone app? Please tell me I can. Oh got it! Code’s the only way, is it?)

I have no idea what this post is going to be about so you can expect anything and everything. And probably nothing. Yay.

Speaking about writing: I’ve been thinking about NaNoWriMo actually. Participated for the first time last year and failed miserably haha. 

I wasn’t going to do it this year but now I kind of feel like changing my mind.  Even though I can’t even keep up with this blog.. *insert nervous laughter* 

Just call me miss Epic Fail.

P.S Is it weird that I’m feeling paranoid about taking a shower at midnight?! I feel like the whole building can hear. And know that they can’t. Hashtag anxiety problems. 

Back to Work

Let me paint you a picture: last day of holiday, work tomorrow. It’s 10PM. I’m coming home with my cats and dog. They want food. I give it to them. There are a million things to do, like unpack and sort things out for tomorrow for a start.

So what am I doing now? Writing a blog post. Obviously. Also watching YouTube. As if I’m been too busy doing awesome epic things.

Well that’s me. Can’t make myself write when I have time but as soon as I should be doing something else: BOOM, got hit by that inspiration. *sigh*

Few words about my holiday: very relaxing low-key one. Met some friends, went to the movies, had Mom’s birthday (we went actually out to eat which I haven’t done in sooo long yay anxiety win!), had Grandma’s birthday as well and changed the order of my furniture at home.

I’m a bit nervous about going back to work.  We are in a different daycare center in July and I always get anxious about “new” things. Also I’m on the 2PM to 10PM shift so most of the evening I will be with people I don’t know.

I will be okay. 🙂

Turtles and Anxiety

Today I went to see Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows with one of my best mates. We also went to see the first one when it came out.

We did it kind of as a joke but also seriously, you know? Nostalgia and stuff.

It took extra effort to text my friend and suggest the date and time. (We decided to see the movie as soon as we knew they were going to make a sequel.) Hashtag anxiety problems.

Everything went really well. I didn’t struggle that much with leaving. I was a little bit anxious throughout the day and took a little dose of beta blockers. I was a little bit anxious about halfway into the movie but it was nothing really. I didn’t think about leaving or anything like that. I was able to concentrate on the movie. Thumbs up.

The film was way better than the first one! I didn’t expect anything other than good times with my friend so the movie was a positive surprise.

Sure it had stupid jokes and clichés but it was super entertaining. The plot was better, the movie had good points about team work and brotherhood and stuff. I’m a huge sucker for a brohood plotline. Megan Fox didn’t irritate me as much as April. And Stephen Amell was brilliant as Casey!

I’m not a huge fan of CGI but I love that they were able to give real personalities and character traits to the turtles. Leo has always been my favourite. He was cute.

Also: Finland was mentioned. If you want Finns to go crazy, just mention us somewhere.

The end music and animated credits were awesome. EVERYTHING IS AWESOMEEE. I sang it in the car. (My friend was NOT amused.) TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES.

I need sleep – not puppies

You know what I hate? Hate is a strong word but yeah. I hate two things:

1) not sleeping well

2) having anxiety-filled dreams so you’re already anxious when you wake up

I’ve been sleeping really restlessly lately. Hot. Cold. Sweating. Everything. Maybe it’s the full moon, PMS, stress, I don’t know. All of them.

Few nights ago I had a dream a giant wasp was chasing me. Woke up anxious.

Last night I was meant to go on an airplane. One of my biggest triggers. It was horrible. I was on the verge of a panic attack and when I woke up the anxiety continued.


This was also the morning when I was meant to sleep in. (I don’t start work until 1PM.) But I got a text from my neighbour that she’s been admitted to the hospital so I offered to take care of her puppy.

A puppy. That pees and poops everywhere.

I love her and of course I’m there to help in a heart beat.

But let’s just say I’m not in the best mood for two dogs (mine and hers) to run around trashing the place.

Especially when I have kids at work that are exactly the same.

Ok. Actually I feel a bit better now that I’ve gotten that off my chest.

Let’s do this.

Anxiety in my Mind – Buying Groceries

I went to the gym with my Grandma today. (We try to go every week. She’s 85.)

After the workout we went to buy groceries. And I felt panicky.

Because of exercising my heart rate was faster and adrenaline was pumping. Things that happen during a panic attack.

That’s why working out is a trigger for me sometimes. (It’s so irritating because exercising is actually good for the anxiety.)

So I felt really anxious at the store: I was walking restlessly and it was hard to concentrate. (My Grandma has mucular degeneration which means her eye sight is very poor. That’s why we go together so I can help.) I helped her choose apples all the while thinking if I would have to leave. 

I tried not to let my anxious mind consume me. I breathed. I changed my thinking from “What if I have to run out What if I have a panic attack What if I faint?!” To “If I need to I can go outside and have a breath of fresh air and then come back.

That did the trick. I was able to keep my thought prosess calm and realistic. And at the same time giving myself a way out without actually running away from the anxiety.

I didn’t have a panic attack. The anxiety went away and I was able to complete shopping. 


Anxiety in my Mind – Work Christmas Party

This was supposed to be just a quick post on this gloomy November Sunday (but soon it’s December and I can open my The Body Shop calendar I’m so excited) but it ended up being quite a rambling.

I’ve been having a slight fever, a sore throat and can’t properly hear with my right ear. Damn flu.

So yesterday was the Christmas party. I was so excited to participate because last year I didn’t go because they deciced to go out of town and I didn’t feel comfortable going (because of anxiety).

So I was really happy when this year they decided on bowling and dinner and it wasn’t far away so I could drive there comfortably by myself! (I also knew the place and knew how to drive there, knew where to park etc. So that made it easier.)

Other thing that made me less anxious was the fact that when you’re bowling, you feel more free. You can move around. Sitting at a table always makes me feel more trapped.

So yesterday I’m debating with myself whether to go or not. Why wouldn’t I go? Well, because I feel ill. But am I ill enough? Is this just anxiety talking?

The story of my life: battles inside my head.

In the end I decided to go. (And I’m so happy that I did! This is the part the people without anxiety don’t usually know or get: the battle you have to fight just to come to the decicion to do something. Then it’s a whole another battle to actually do the thing.)

Anxiety equals battles.

So I decided to go. My parents came over to babysit my dog and cats and offer moral support by “being near”. (I can’t help but feeling a bit like a loser for needing – or thinking that I need – my parents.)

When I arrived to this big shopping center/mall/I-don’t-know-what-to-call-it and met my co-workers (after having trouble finding a parking place and then getting totally lost and ending up going on elevators and stairs and walking through the crowds) they told me we couldn’t go bowling after all.

Are you kidding me?!

There was something wrong with the reservation. Well there was no reservation as it turned out. Yay.

So they decided to just go straight to eat.

My anxiety’s initial reaction was to leave. Luckily I’ve come so far with my anxiety that I don’t need to act on these thoughts and didn’t start to panic. I just thought: well I will go to the restaurant with them to hang out a bit and probably not order anything.

So we ended up in this lovely little Greek place. I sat at the end of the table nearest the exit and eyed where I could get to my car fastest. I wasn’t that anxious but my anxious mind always looks for these kind of things. (Also I forgot to mention that I did took extra medication for the occasion.)

The waiter came and took drink orders. At this point I didn’t want to order anything but ended up ordering a 7UP because “everyone ordered something”. (So silly, I know!) Now I felt my anxiety rising a bit. I had placed an order. If I had to leave now, someone else would end up paying for it. I feared the embarrassment. (Even though I know my co-workers would have been nothing but understanding. But anxiety mind doesn’t make any sense.)

Well, then came the food order. I decided to order a tomato soup: good for my flu and not too much to eat so I wouldn’t feel anxious about clearing my plate. The food was delicious and I was so happy that anxiety didn’t prevent me from eating!

Rest of the evening was pretty much anxiety-free. As soon as you do something that makes you anxious – like sitting in a restaurant and ordering and eating food – anxiety decreases. I so need to do more of this.

I hope you can either relate to this post OR have now more insight to the mind of someone dealing with anxiety.


Previous Anxiety in my Mind post: Taking my Dad to the Hospital.

All Anxiety in my Mind posts.


Anxiety in my Mind – Taking my Dad to the Hospital

Previous Anxiety in my Mind posts.

I’ve had a really exhausting week. Panic attacks, anxiety, worry. I had multiple blog posts floating in my mind about it but now when the week is over and I’m actually sitting here in front of my computer: nothing. I’ve got nothing. I think my mind is just numb about it all. Or there’s too much of it. Too many feelings, too many thoughts, just too much.

Exactly a week ago we (me and my Mom) took my Dad to the hospital.

Cue a major panic attack.

DSC_0026In a nutshell: my Dad had a blood clot in his lung, something he had a year ago too. As serious as blood clots can be, my Dad’s were found early and he hardly had any symptoms. He was just a bit out of breath. We all knew he was going to be fine.

That didn’t help my anxiety one little bit.

Now my Dad have had previous visits to the hospital  but this was the first time I was there when he had to go. I got an immediate panic attack when I realised he would have to go to the hospital. It was horrible. I was trying to be brave for my Dad but at the same time I was pacing around rubbing my hands together (what I do when I panic).

Dad actually cried a bit because he was feeling so bad about my panic. Boy did that make me feel awful. Here I was having a panic attack which although feels like hell, isn’t dangerous. And my Dad who needed hospital care was worried about me.

I took extra anxiety medication (beta blockers and a tranquiliser) and listened to Excel at Life’s panic assistance audios.

And just breathed.

I was pretty calm the whole drive to the hospital. And even though I was very anxious the whole evening, I didn’t have another panic attack.

I wasn’t able to go to work for two days.

I didn’t have proper panic attacks and I was able to reduce my extra anxiety medication. But I was anxious and tense. Every moment was like waiting for another panic attack. And wondering when Dad would come home. And feeling quilt for being absent from work. Tough days.

But as it’s always with anxiety, I adapted. I felt better every day (anxiety wise) and was able to go to work on Wednesday (it was Sunday evening when Dad was admitted) with a little, okay a lot of, help from my Mom. She came to stay at my place when I went to work. It helped when she was near.

On Wednesday afternoon I got a text from Dad saying we could come pick him up later on the day. I was so relieved.

Anxiety didn’t stop there however.

I lived in immense tension for three days and it took its toll on my body:

Firstly on the way home from the hospital I got car sick. I never get car sick. I felt like throwing up.

Secondly I got fears. I was anxious to go to work. I feared that Dad was going to end up in a hospital again. I was afraid that I was going to end up in a hospital. Irrational fears, anxiety’s best friends.

I also slept. A lot. During the weekend. But I’ve been feeling better every day.

Even if you feel terrible, it will pass.

I don’t know what the point of this post is or even if it needs a point. I just needed to let this out. I actually feel better now. Yay!

Thank you for reading. ♥