This was supposed to be just a quick post on this gloomy November Sunday (
but soon it’s December and I can open my The Body Shop calendar I’m so excited) but it ended up being quite a rambling.
I’ve been having a slight fever, a sore throat and can’t properly hear with my right ear. Damn flu.
So yesterday was the Christmas party. I was so excited to participate because last year I didn’t go because they deciced to go out of town and I didn’t feel comfortable going (because of anxiety).
So I was really happy when this year they decided on bowling and dinner and it wasn’t far away so I could drive there comfortably by myself! (I also knew the place and knew how to drive there, knew where to park etc. So that made it easier.)
Other thing that made me less anxious was the fact that when you’re bowling, you feel more free. You can move around. Sitting at a table always makes me feel more trapped.
So yesterday I’m debating with myself whether to go or not. Why wouldn’t I go? Well, because I feel ill. But am I ill enough? Is this just anxiety talking?
The story of my life: battles inside my head.
In the end I decided to go. (And I’m so happy that I did! This is the part the people without anxiety don’t usually know or get: the battle you have to fight just to come to the decicion to do something. Then it’s a whole another battle to actually do the thing.)
Anxiety equals battles.
So I decided to go. My parents came over to babysit my dog and cats and offer moral support by “being near”. (I can’t help but feeling a bit like a loser for needing – or thinking that I need – my parents.)
When I arrived to this big shopping center/mall/I-don’t-know-what-to-call-it and met my co-workers (after having trouble finding a parking place and then getting totally lost and ending up going on elevators and stairs and walking through the crowds) they told me we couldn’t go bowling after all.
Are you kidding me?!
There was something wrong with the reservation. Well there was no reservation as it turned out. Yay.
So they decided to just go straight to eat.
My anxiety’s initial reaction was to leave. Luckily I’ve come so far with my anxiety that I don’t need to act on these thoughts and didn’t start to panic. I just thought: well I will go to the restaurant with them to hang out a bit and probably not order anything.
So we ended up in this lovely little Greek place. I sat at the end of the table nearest the exit and eyed where I could get to my car fastest. I wasn’t that anxious but my anxious mind always looks for these kind of things. (Also I forgot to mention that I did took extra medication for the occasion.)
The waiter came and took drink orders. At this point I didn’t want to order anything but ended up ordering a 7UP because “everyone ordered something”. (So silly, I know!) Now I felt my anxiety rising a bit. I had placed an order. If I had to leave now, someone else would end up paying for it. I feared the embarrassment. (Even though I know my co-workers would have been nothing but understanding. But anxiety mind doesn’t make any sense.)
Well, then came the food order. I decided to order a tomato soup: good for my flu and not too much to eat so I wouldn’t feel anxious about clearing my plate. The food was delicious and I was so happy that anxiety didn’t prevent me from eating!
Rest of the evening was pretty much anxiety-free. As soon as you do something that makes you anxious – like sitting in a restaurant and ordering and eating food – anxiety decreases. I so need to do more of this.
I hope you can either relate to this post OR have now more insight to the mind of someone dealing with anxiety.
Previous Anxiety in my Mind post: Taking my Dad to the Hospital.
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